"We're moving too fast"

Talking about this with mordenti, I was gearing up for a skeptical post about the meaning of this phrase, as used in dating. If you've ever been on the receiving end of this or its related phrases (The more direct "let's take things slowly" or the less direct "do you think we're moving too fast?"), you know the feeling.

The first response often is to take offense. Which is to say, one immediately starts to wonder how a relationship can move too fast, if it's going in a good direction. Really, one wants to counter, what you're trying to say to me is that you want to go somewhere else, is that it? Because, after all, if the relationship is going right, why not go as fast as you possibly can (just so you can stay still, as the Red Queen might say)?

As I was looking for a photograph to accompany this post, however, I found the one above, that amused me and made me think more carefully about the metaphor of movement, and the emotional/interpersonal meanings of speed, direction, and destination, as well as the attendant dangers of going too fast, in the wrong way, or towards the wrong thing.

Speed, or "Hold on tight!"
We know time through observing change. When a lot of change happens in one sphere of our lives while few changes happen in other spheres (for example, riding in a car, I may notice that the scenery undergoes a lot of changes between one breath and the next), we either perceive the first sphere as fast or the second sphere as slow, depending on our perspective. As we who live in the world have noticed, speed is relative.

In a relationship, then, if you notice a lot of change (to your routine, perhaps, if you're dating frequently, or to the way you feel every day, if you're constantly thinking about the person or calling them) while other things don't change (your job, your friends, the way you wear your hat), you might feel that the relationship is going too fast.

On the other hand, you might say that the rest of your life is going too slowly. I think this accounts for that feeling of being "awake" or "alive" when in a relationship. It's the exhilaration of living at the right "pace".

The danger of going too fast, even if you're headed the right way, or to the right destination, is exactly the tension between the different rates of change in the relationship and the rest of your life. Everything else needs to catch up, is the problem. You're in love and setting up a nest, and your family doesn't even know his name (let alone credit history). Or maybe you're now saving your money for a big getaway together, and your friends still think you're going to law school in the fall. Disappointments and tensions proliferate. Things start to fall apart. The rest of your life needs time to get used to this new person, to this new commitment, to the new you.

And as we know, it's easier to stretch slowly into place than to tear something and try to mend it.

Then there's the uncertainty about directionality.

Directionality, or "Hey, quit shifting your weight!"

Sometimes, in fact, "We're moving too fast!" is an indirect expression of doubt. "I'm not sure I like the direction we're going," is the implied complaint.

It doesn't necessarily mean you both don't have the same goal. The problem with moving, is that even when you know where you're going, there's the question of what route to take to get there.

Sometimes you just have to pick one. Any one. Consider the direct path from A to B. Now imagine a tree right smack in the middle. It's as good to swerve left as it is to swerve right, but if each person on the bike picks a different way to lean, you end up bruised and broken.

So too, in relationships, perhaps. The metaphor strains, but one can imagine a situation where doing anything is better than doing nothing, but where hasty decisions by each party leads to a cancelling out of action. The Gift of the Magi is an extreme example.

Taking things slowly gives more time to check in. "I'm about to pawn my watch to buy some combs for you. Please don't sell your hair or buy me any watch-related gifts." This does mean checking in, however. There's no point going slowly if you're still going to make decisions without consultation.

Uncertainty is at the heart of another reason why one might beg for a change of pace.

Destination, or "I thought we were just having fun!"

This is the big one, folks. It hardly needs a lot of explaining (or it needs so much explanation that this blog won't be nearly enough). If you think you may want to get off the ride before you end up somewhere you don't want to be, you're going to ask to slow down, so that when you fling yourself off, you only have to duck and roll for a short while. Also, the walk back is shorter.

Photo: Speed Limit What??? by Joe Shlabotnik